Yesterday I had a moment of self-revelation. I looked in the mirror and realised; I had become that girl.
You know the type I mean, the blog writing, selfie taking, ‘which Instagram filter makes me look hotter.’ kind of girl.
My mother must be so proud.
But I also realised that I’m WAY too far down this road to turn back now, so why not go one step further? I will now become that single girl who blogs on Valentines day because, well it’s not like she has anything else to do.
With all that being said…
Is it just me or are single Christian girls crazy?
(All the guys nod in agreement)
But really, single Christian girls can be crazy. And I would know because I am one.
I want to look at 5 crazy things that regularly pass through my mind, and maybe yours too. I take 90% of my relationship advice from “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the other 10% from “Pride and Prejduice” so I’m definitely not some kind of love guru. But, I’m willing to risk my limited, and after this blog post, non-existant, reputation in order to dispel some of the myths and lies that we so easily believe.
1. When I’m in a relationship, then I’ll be… a. happy b. complete c. a proper person.
When I was at school, there weren’t many boys I fancied. Granted, going to a girls school definitely didn’t help, but even the boys school across the road provided little to no love interest. So when university came, I was intrigued (super excited) at the prospect of a whole new pool of potential hot guys. However university came and went with a very small handful of boys and even fewer men. Starting a discipleship year was surely a strong chance to find a husband, until the year ended and I was still single. And post uni life? Well the jury is out as to my relationship ‘success’. The point of this isn’t to illustrate my frankly riveting love life, but actually to show that hedging your bets in the future isn’t going to pay for today. Waiting for real life to start or for happiness to arrive sometime tomorrow, means you miss out on today. Too often we presume that until we find a man, we’re only half a woman. Which is frankly rubbish. Living life on pause until you find the right guy/the wrong guy/any guy is such a waste. I can promise you and more importantly God has promised that he loves you right now, he has plans for you right now and he has life in all it’s fullness for you, right here, right now. Seek God, follow Jesus, chase your dreams and do it now.
2. He took you for coffee? When’s the wedding!?
Within church circles we are very good at gossiping. You can pretty much get away with saying anything if you mask it as a prayer request…. But could I possibly suggest that when it comes to relationships, gossip may not be the most helpful thing. “You two would be so good together” “I think you two are meant to be” ” He is totally into you” Yeah, a bit of banter is funny but continuous ‘banter’ can place unnecessary pressure on people, can build up false hope or destroy true hope. It’s bullying. And it makes me cry. Of course we need friends who we give permission to speak honestly, sometimes ruthlessly, into our relationship situations. Friends who speak the truth in love. But gossip isn’t ever about love. Love is selfless, and gossip is selfish. Love wants the best for the other person whereas gossip is self gratifying and tends to leave collateral damage all over the place. Girls have this ever so slight tendency to escalate things in our minds anyway. From one coffee to the church aisle in a matter of seconds. But the additional pressure of hundreds of watching eyes, and muttering voices ISN’T HELPFUL! (Can you tell this one is personal….)
3. If I read my Bible more, maybe God will send me a husband….?
No, just no. When you say this stuff out loud, it sounds mental, but it’s so easy to live as if it were true. The whole idea that ‘if I give God this, he’ll give me that’ isn’t a good place to go. God is not a vending machine. We don’t have some kind of weird relationship credit system- ‘read 75% of the Bible to start dating and 90% or over to get married.’ We often believe the lie that God is holding out on us, not giving us what we want because he’s angry, or disappointed with us. So we strive and struggle to meet this bar set somewhere just out of our reach, in the hope that if we tick our spiritual boxes, we’ll get what we want, what we think we deserve. But God’s love isn’t measured by a ring on your finger. He loves you because he loves you because he loves you. Trust is all about surrender and surrender means consciously laying down our agendas and being willing to take God at his word when he said his plans for you are good. Motives get mixed all the time, but keep coming back to God simply because he is good.
4. Ooh hot new guy at church, better check the ring finger.
Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. So a new guy rocks up to church, raises his hands in worship and mentions that when he’s not spending time in Africa running a children’s camp, he sings lead vocals in a band. Now sit back and watch as 30 crazy single Christians girls circle around him…. Church is not a meat market. Now you mention it, nowhere is a meat market except for a meat market. And you go there to buy meat, not men. We need to get better at seeing guys first and foremost just as people. As children of God. There is always a lot of talk about the objectification of women, and rightly so. I am way more than the size of my chest. But if us girls are honest, we often do a pretty similar thing with guys if not in a slightly different way. We see a guy and think straightaway about what he can give to us. How he can make us happy. Whether he fits our criteria. He is a thing we use to get what we want. It’s not honoring and it is VERY creepy.
5. I’m still single, there must be something wrong with me…
Ok so this one might be true. If you don’t take regular showers and still play with a Tamagotchi you might want to reevaluate some life choices. But for the most part, this is a lie that the enemy wants us to believe. So often we convince ourselves that being in a relationship is where’ll we find our worth. That unless we are dating/married/having sex, we’re not quite a complete person. NOT TRUE. There could be a million and one reasons why you are single, and it’s definitely not wrong to ask God and see what he has to say. But your identity and worth only ever come from Jesus- relationships are a beautiful thing, but they don’t define you. You are loved right now as much as you ever could be. I don’t know you, but God does, and I really believe that he has plans for your life which far exceed your own dreams. Places he wants to take you, people he wants you to meet, lives he is going to change through you. And whether you’re single until you’re fifty two, married by twenty one, or never kiss a man, God’s plans still stand. And that means your life is looking pretty incredible.
So this Valentines Day maybe take a moment to consider what crazy things you have started to believe and give God the chance to speak truth instead.
(Or if that doesn’t sound like fun, meet me in the frozen aisle, we’ll hit up Ben and Jerrys and can spend the night eating our feelings. Your call…)